Ten months ago I moved from Bothell, Washington to Winston-Salem, North Carolina. Then a month later to Lowell, Massachusetts. 

Since then I have seen Zach, my boyfriend, every single day except for one or two when I was in New York. 

Tomorrow I am dropping him off an hour and a half away from our apartment at his two week meditation retreat. He is taking a vow of silence for the entirety of his retreat, and he is leaving me his cell phone, for which I am supposed to attend to people trying to contact him. 

As the date has been nearing, I have been afraid. When I moved to North Carolina, it was to be in the same small cottage with him, to rely on him driving me when I wanted to get out of the house, and since he was at work 9:00am to 5:00pm, I was left confined to our little house in a foreign area, over 2,000 miles from any of my friends. To say the least, I felt a bit trapped.

When we moved to Massachusetts I held much more freedom. In fact, I jumped right into continuing my modeling career. It was something that gave me independence, and this motivate drove me to succeed. I even traveled to New York City a few times for modeling. Later I found that many people from this area have only been to NY once or twice.

Nevertheless, I was shy, and my social life didn’t improve. I was self conscious and guarded, alienating potential friends. The stress I was feeling strained my relationship with Zach, but as the months progresses, I opened up. 

Since the day he notified me about the retreat, I dreaded him leaving. I anticipated feeling that lonely desolate sate of being that I subjected myself to during the first few months I was here, in Lowell. However, it is the day before he leaves, and I also feel a sense of excitement. 

For the first time in ten months, I will be completely independent from him, for two weeks. I will eat where ever I want in the apartment, go grocery shopping whenever I want, go shopping whenever I want, always make it to the train station when I need to travel, visit restaurants whenever I want, explore new places whenever I want, earn and spend my money free of criticism, eat and cook free of external opinions. It will be as if I am living alone, as if I am running my own life completely independently. I am so thrilled! 

I do think I’ll miss him greatly, but I also think I will read a few books, go to as many castings as I can, travel to photo shoots, go shopping, work out, go to yoga, work in Boston, pay the bills, maintain my apartment, cook aton, and be an independent collage student!